


Ready Player One?

by kierathefangirl



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Ready Player One crossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 22:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15958922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl
Summary: The notorious L has finally reached his final kill: the avatar God. But to defeat God, he'll need help...if he'll accept the offer.





	1. Get Out Of My Way

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning because backstories are full of abuse and bad stuff  
> Based off the movie since I just watched it, but with some different context.  
> I'm going to leave L a little ambiguous for awhile, but in a few chapters he'll be fully identified by name and then will have his name as the POV/perspective tagline.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi finally destroys the last thing keeping him away from "God".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Violence trigger warning I guess, as well as severe anxiety and lack of self-worth...  
> Perspective identified at beginning of chapter.

**_~L~_ **

I finally found Kingston’s avatar. Some stupid guy jumps in my way when I go to shoot, and he begs me to not shoot him. He tells me that Justin is his friend (Justin is just Kingston’s avatar name). He begs me to let him live and says he has a lot of stuff he’s worked hard for.

I won’t shoot someone I don’t need revenge against. He’s just some stupid kid getting in my way.

“Get out of my way,” I warn him. “I’ll shoot you.”

He shakes his head. “No.”

“Move.”

“No.”

I jump to the side and shoot. Kingston’s avatar explodes: five years of gaming, of never losing his stuff, of spending real money on game things, and there it all goes exploding every which way.

I tuck my gun back in my inventory. Hayden is the only person left whose avatar I haven’t killed, and that’s because he’s fucking powerful and if I go up against him as I am now I’ll die and have to start over. Three years of this and many coin later, I can’t lose what I have now. I’ll never win if I do.

The guy who got in my way jumps forward and knocks me to the ground. He’s strong enough to pin me down even in-game (I’m weaker in real life), strong enough he easily holds me down.

I try to wriggle free, but he tightens his grip to stop me. “What is wrong with you?”

I’m breathing hard. _Get off. Let go. Let go of me. I already feel worthless and weak enough in real life; I don’t need you making it worse._

I try to shove him off. He doesn’t let me; he pins my arms down on the ground and holds me still. “Stop squirming. Why do you want him dead?”

I tug a little at his grip, but he’s strong enough I can’t even squirm around. I go limp and actually start crying.

He doesn’t loosen his grip, but he puts his weapons away and focuses instead on holding me still. “Why? What did he do to piss you off? No one hates him. He’s chill!”

“He’s not the angel you think he is.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he demands. “He’s cool! He saved my life several times.”

I shut my eyes and sigh. “He’s not. It’s thanks to him and his stupid friends that I’ve been to the hospital several times.”

“You know him in real life?”

I shrug. “His name is Kingston. He’s a bully—and in the real world he’s a lot stronger than me and I don’t stand a chance.”

He blinks. “You’re…getting revenge?”

“On people who’ve actually hurt me in the real world, yes. There’s a database tying every character to their owner. It’s not too hard to find them if you know where to look.”

I open my eyes to glare at him, but I won’t actually kill him. “I could kill you too, but I don’t like killing people randomly. I only kill people who’ve nearly killed me.”

“There can’t be that many of those,” he protests.

“It’s taken me three years to get to the last of them,” I tell him. “There’s only one left now.”

“Who?”

“Hayden.”

“Who’s Hayden?”

“Hayden Fisher, that corporate asshole? He’s the one running the avatar called God.”

“And? He’s impossible to kill!”

“He took everything from me and my family in the real world. His version of a paradise is a place where everyone cow-tows to him and a place where he literally owns me, and he’s trying to make that a reality.” I raise an eyebrow. “I’m trying to take back some of the power he took from me. Is that bad? I’m not strong enough or rich enough to fight him in the real world, and I never will be. Here I can be, and I’m trying my damndest to get to the point I can kill him because that takes everything from him in this world and gives me back some semblance of control in my own life.”

He’s quiet, and his grip has loosened a little. I try half-heartedly to pull away, but again he tightens his grip to stop me. “Don’t.”

I give him one of those glares that makes a grown man shiver. He doesn’t look phased. “What did Jason do to you?”

“He’s put me in the hospital three times, real life.”

He breathes. Behind him, a tall albino pauses and remarks that “No one ever holds that asshole down. You’ve gotta be pretty strong to keep him from killing you.”

He glances at the albino. “Hey, Gil.”

I make a point of trying to wriggle free. He refuses to let me escape, and his hands hold my wrists down while his legs pin mine together.

Gil blinks. “Damn. How are you doing that?”

“Willpower, mostly. Here, the limit is your imagination. If you can dream it you can be it.”

“Why do you think I’m here?” I point out. I shove at him again. “Let go of me.”

“No,” he says. “Why do you think you stand a chance here? He could go after you in real life.”

“You think I’m stupid enough to use my real name?” I scoff. “He doesn’t even know my real name, he knows me as something else.”

“Who are you, then?” Gil asks.

“L.”

“El? Like Elvis or something?”

“No. Just the letter: L.”

“Initials,” the man perceptively asks.

I shrug. “Maybe. Doesn’t matter.”

“El Jay?” Gil asks.

“No. El-Vee.”

“So like Elvis.”

“No. I never liked Elvis. It’s just my initials.”

“You should’ve picked Revenge or Doom or something ominous so they’d be afraid of you,” he laughs. Gil laughs, too.

I roll my eyes. “People aren’t afraid of that anymore. Have you ever seen the anime _Death Note_?”

Toni raises a curious eyebrow. “No?”

Gil scoffs. “No.”

“Okay, that’s why you don’t get it.” I shrug. “L is one of the characters. Light is the name of the guy who’s killing everybody with the Death Note.”

“So you’re using obscure anime references?” Toni realizes.

“Yeah, basically. Hayden’s familiar with _Death Note_ —it’s one of his favorites—so he actually got tense when one of them told him they’d been killed by an ‘ _L_ ’.”

“Oh.”

He lets me go, gets up, and pulls me to my feet. He holds out his hand. “I’m Toni.”

I look for a second between his violet eyes and his hand. Toni sighs exasperatedly. “Look, L, you’ve got a valid reason for wanting to go after him but literally no one can defeat him alone.”

“He’s killed my avatar five times,” Gil agrees.

“I may not be the most powerful person who exists,” Toni acknowledges softly, “but I want to help you. I want you to feel okay, and if killing his avatar will help then that’s what we’ll do.”

“I don’t do clans,” I cross my arms defensively over my chest. “I go alone.”

“And that’s exactly what’s going to get you killed!” Toni protests. “You’ve been trying to be powerful enough for years; do you really want to lose all of that?”

I roll my eyes. Gil mumbles an agreement that going after Hayden (he calls him his avatar’s name) alone is dangerous.

Toni breathes and steps closer to me, and he switches hands. “Please let me help you.”

“You’re ambidextrous,” I realize.

“What?”

“You just switched hands.”

“Oh.” He laughs. “Yeah, It doesn’t matter.”

I look again between his face and his hand. I wish I could see his actual face, because in-game you can use a switch to keep your avatar’s emotions calm when you’re not calm. As is his eyes are soft and inviting, which isn’t something I think the game can fake. Typically the game shows total calm.

I sigh and accept his hand. “Fine. Don’t get in my way.”

Toni shakes my hand once and lets go. Gil steps to his side and offers his hand. “I don’t typically clan up either, but if you want to kill God you’re going to need all the help you can get. I want to get my stuff back from him, but you can keep the rest.”

I close my eyes for a second, and search his eyes too. He looks determined but scared: again, something the game can’t fake.

I accept his hand. “Fine.”

He shakes my hand once up and down, then lets go. “If we’re gonna stand a chance, we need money and some decent gear. We should probably spend at least a few days on Planet Doom and Frostgard and get all the stuff we can.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Toni says.

“Frostgard is more dangerous,” I shrug. “It’s going to have more loot. We could raid Doom a bit but Frostgard is going to give a lot more loot.”

“You have a point,” Gil agrees. “But do we want to start dangerous and maybe die, or start easy and get more dangerous?”

“Fair enough. We can spend a couple days raiding Planet Doom first.”

“Okay.”


	2. Frostgard’s Doom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L is powerful...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short because it doesn't need to be longer. Perspective identified at beginning of chapter.

**_~Toni~_ **

L destroys every avatar and every enemy that gets near him except me and Gil. It may have been a good idea to clan up with him, especially considering with him we may stand a chance against the  _ God _ avatar. That avatar’s killed several of my friends, and he’s one of those colossal jackasses that if you go to his planet you come back traumatized. No one tells what he did, just that you never want to go there.

It takes us three days to completely destroy Doom, after which we started raiding Frostgard. L is insanely powerful and insanely desperate to win, and he doesn’t think twice before shooting. He nearly shoots Gil once.

It takes us a week to empty Frostgard. After that we go to the shop to stock up, and a few steps inside L snags a Holy Hand Grenade and a Zemeckis Rubik’s Cube. We all grab full-body suits and a ton of guns and ammo and bombs, anything to hold him off.

_ Please let this work. He’s a ruthless avatar and he’s hurt L in real life. Let L find some peace. Let L regain some semblance of control, some semblance of self-worth. _


	3. Real Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L being cynical to an optimistic Toni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is cynicism a trigger warning? Because L is super cynical. :/

**_~L~_ **

“I like you,” Toni remarks one of the times we’re alone. Gil’s logged off and we’re just sitting eating in some cafe, pretending to be normal like everyone else.

“Sure you do,” I agree quietly.

“No, really,” Toni insists like he means it. “I want to meet you in real life. I think you’re cool.”

I laugh. “This isn’t what I really look like or really sound like. It’s what I  _ want _ to look and sound like, but it isn’t reality. You see only what I allow you to see, you hear only what I allow you to hear, and you can’t say based off that that you really like me. You like what you see  _ here _ , in a place I can be anything or anyone. You would be as disappointed as everyone else if you ever got the chance.”

Toni tilts his head. “That’s kinda existential, L—and I wouldn’t be disappointed.”

“Sure you wouldn’t. That doesn’t mean we’re ever going to meet in real life.”

Toni sighs, and he actually looks sad for a moment. “Whatever.”


	4. Killing God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L, Toni, and Gil finally succeed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief because the final result is what matters to L, not the inbetween fighting.
> 
> L's perspective.

**_~L~_ **

I have to use everything I have, and so do they. But after several hours of back and forth, back and forth, Holy Hand Grenade and attempted Catalyst…finally we win.

His avatar explodes, and a mountain of treasure showers down on the ground. Gil grabs the few things and some coin that were taken from him, thanks us, and logs off.

I take the coin and some of the stuff. Toni takes what’s left, hugs me, and logs off.

I reach up, grab the headset, and log off.  _ That’s how it feels, jackass. That’s how it feels. _


	5. Finding Toni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi searches to find the player behind the avatar he's befriended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seborga is here! :D (Sebastian is Seborga, Feli is Veneziano.)

**_~L~_ **

I finally find him. His real name is Antonio Fernández Carriedo and he lives in Spain.

I’ve never really made friends before; no one ever wants to be friends with someone who seems to be killing random avatars. But despite that, he found something worthwhile in me and he extended that ominous offer of friendship. I don’t regret my decision to accept it, and now Hayden has to start all over from the beginning after ten or so years of gaming undefeated.

Hayden was furious he was killed and decided to search the databases for me, searching for my real name in a similar manner to how I found his avatar.

He sent threats in the mail that he would kill my avatar and me, and I tore them apart and threw them away. It’s thanks to him I am where I am, and all that matters is if Feli and Sebastian are okay.

I tell Sebastian to keep an eye on Feli and make sure he’s safe, and I tell him I’m going to Spain. I tell him the truth about how I accidentally made a friend, and how Hayden wants me dead. I tell him Toni promised to protect me, and I’m praying to a real God in the hopes that he will in real life too.

“You better be really careful,” he says. “People like completely changing their gender, their appearance, and their personality in online forums.”

“I know. I already looked into it; he’s seventeen, he’s got green eyes, and he lives in Spain. That’s pretty much what he changed; he gave himself violet eyes, made himself look all adult and strong, and pretended he was from a big city rather than the tiny border city he’s actually from. He’s just a kid.”

“I’m just saying be careful,” he says.

“I know. I will be.”

He hugs me. “I’ll watch over Feli. Be careful.”

I almost smile. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Sebastian flashes a nervous smile. “Don’t forget to watch over your shoulder.”

“I definitely will be.”


	6. Meeting The Real Toni

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L seeks out his friend outside the Utopia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm calling the movie Ready Player One's "Oasis" the 'Utopia' instead. Basically the same thing.

**_~L~_ **

Luckily Hayden didn’t find me in the airport or anything, so I made it safely to Toni’s town. Now I just need to find where he is within the town.

He’s logged into the Utopia, so I’m able to track his location through his credentials. Maybe it’s a little stalker-y, but I need his help. Badly.

Turns out he’s hiding in some car junkyard. I trace him on the map and make my way there, and sure enough there stands a messy-curly hair brunette in full Utopian gear seeming to be fighting something and calling for L and Gil.

I pocket my phone and approach. He runs away from whatever it is and crouches down.

I reach out hesitantly and poke him. “Hey.”

He glances wildly around, then seems to realize the difference and pulls off the headset.

He gets up and turns around. I step back and don’t make eye contact.

He tilts his head, breathes, sets the headset aside. “Um…”

I close my eyes. He steps in towards me like he always does in-game, and he reaches out to tip up my head. I’ve covered the worst of my face with my hair, and my clothes cover the worst of the bruises.

He tilts his head. I blink a couple times, glance up at him, then quickly break eye contact. It’s the exact way I acted several of the times we talked in-game: socially anxious and tense.

Toni seems to recognize some of that same tension. “You look familiar,” he says curiously.

I cough a couple of times. It kinda hurts to breathe, but I won’t admit that to him.

He releases my chin and taps the suit; it opens wide and falls off him like Spiderman’s suit in Homecoming. Underneath he’s wearing light blue skinny jeans, a skin-tight black AC/DC t-shirt, black and white Vans, and a currant-red zip-up hoodie. His gloves and suit slide into the black bag nearby, and he step in front of me again with that curious look in his eyes.

I shift a bit and back up one step. He reaches out and grabs my upper arm, right over one of the bruises Hayden left last time. I hiss a little in pain and pull away. “Don’t touch me.”

“L!” he recognizes. “You’re L!”

I fidget and reach over to rub at the spot on my arm. Toni grins and starts to laugh. “Oh my god,” he giggles. “You’re L!”

“I said I could find anyone,” I remind him. “Why are you surprised?”

He steps in and hugs me. “You said you would never let me see you in real life.”

I stiffen and sort of try to shove him off, but like I figured he’s stronger than me like everybody else.

His fingers dance light patterns down my back, his lips briefly touch my cheek, and my tense muscles relax into his grip. He figured out how to do this on accident once in-game, and he takes advantage of it now.

He doesn’t move for several minutes. I sigh and return the touch in the hopes if I do he’ll let go, and it actually works. He inhales sharply and pulls back a little, just enough to make eye contact. After a second he lets go and tips my head up, and gentle fingers brush my hair from my face.

He’s quiet for a minute. “What happened?”

I hug him and hide. “I’m not the only person with the knowledge or ability to find people.”

“What?”

I sigh and pull back a little. “Hayden. He tracked my avatar.”

He blinks. “Wh—”

“And sent a letter saying he was going to kill me.”

His eyes widen. His eyes are this gorgeous emerald green that I like much better than the strange violet color he chose for his avatar.

I drop my eyes. “He already took everything I had. He took all the money my parents had, all the money my brother had, and made it impossible to get away from the rest of my family who are no better than him. He beat up my older brother and killed my little brother’s avatar that he’d been working on creating for years. He hospitalized me and left me for dead. And now he’s back, and he’s pissed.”

I step back and look a different direction. “I don’t care one way or another, but if I die my brothers are going to fall apart. Sebastian would blame it on himself—you’d know him as Archangelo in-game. Feli would kill himself—Veneziano. And that would be on me, and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t care about myself but I do care about my brothers.”

Toni breathes in slow. His hands are shaking a little.

I step a little towards him. “I don’t have any friends because I’m socially anxious and my family knows if I get out I’ll start talking about all the things they’ve done to Sebastian and I. I don’t have anywhere to turn. Most people are too scared to stand up to Hayden, and I honestly don’t blame them—but he’s way stronger than I am, and if he comes after me I don’t stand a chance. Everyone’s stronger than me.

“You said you wanted to help me, and you said you wanted me to feel okay. I don’t usually give people chances like this but I don’t have another choice. I need your help.”

Toni takes a step to close the distance and hugs me again. “I’m scared of him, but not enough to let him hurt you or anyone you care about.”

I hug him back and hide. He holds me for awhile, then steps back and glances over me once. “Your family hurt you, didn’t they?”

It’s less of a question and more of a statement. I shrug. “My dad’s okay, and obviously my brothers are too. But Mom has a lot to say about how Seb and I are mistakes and failures, and everyone else is sadistic like Hayden—meaning they enjoy hurting people. I got used to it eventually. I’m pretty much never okay.”

“I know what sadistic means,” he says, and something about the way he says that makes me wonder. His tone isn’t calm or nervous, but rather afraid and trembling.

I tilt my head at him. He shrugs. “My family isn’t great either. Why do you think I run off into fantasyland all the time? It’s the only way I have to cope.”

He breathes. “Look, my dad and my brother Matías got out. I don’t know where they went, but if you can find them and get me out of here I can help you. From here, things will just get worse for me because my family doesn’t want me to get the chance to talk.”

I pull out my phone and get the databases up. “Give me a name.”

“Matías Ángel Carriedo.”

I type it in. “Doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“Barcelona.”

He laughs. “God, he always said he wanted to go to Barcelona. Is Dad with him?”

“Name?”

“Nicolás Alejandro Carriedo.”

“Yes. He’s a cop.”

“Okay, I guess we’re hitching a ride to Barcelona.”

“Are you gonna grab anything?”

“I have what I need,” he shakes his head. “The only real thing I need is the suit. My dad said if I ever needed to find him, he’d be waiting.”

I slide his bag inside mine and zip it shut. “Less to carry,” I say when he goes to protest.

“Eh, good point.”

“Also less suspicious. Now let’s get you out of here.”

“Who the hell’re you?” a drunken slur destroys the moment.

Toni leaps into the air and whirls around. A grizzled older man stands behind him. “Oh, you again,” he grumbles. He spits tobacco on the ground. “Yer momma’s lookin’ fer ya.”

Toni shakes his head and backs away. The man keeps getting closer and insisting his mom’s looking for him, and eventually he grabs Toni’s collar to stop him and shakes him. “Hey. Stop runnin’, boy! Yer momma just wants a little kiss.”

Toni fumbles an attempt to shove him off. The man picks him up and throws him on the ground.

I step forward and get in his way, and I shove him back a few steps. “Leave him alone.”

He punches me, which is enough to temporarily knock me down. I spring back up before he reaches Toni and punch him hard back, which is actually enough somehow to knock him down.

I step over and pull Toni back to his feet. “You okay?”

He coughs once and dusts himself off. “Uh, yeah, thanks. Are you?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Hayden’s dealt me far worse.”

The man gets back to his feet. “Who the hell do ya think ya are, boy?”

“Your fucking doom. Leave him alone.”

He swings at me, and I duck out of the way. But he’s smart enough to kick me, and he ends up coincidentally breaking one of my ribs into the lung that’s already on fire.

I cry out and go down. Toni springs forward and punches him to the ground, and he gets up, says “My father will hear of this,” and leaves the yard.

Toni starts trembling. I roll over and push back onto my feet. “Fucking hell.”

Toni steps over to my side. “Are you okay?”

I dust the dirt and dust from my clothes. “He broke a rib, I’ll live. It just burns a little.”

Toni sighs. “I’m sorry. That’s my uncle Fernández.”

“I think I see what you meant about getting out of here.”

Toni shivers. I wave him with me and we leave the yard together. “How exactly do you plan on hitching a ride?”

“I’m friends with the local cops. There’s two of them and I’m a goody-two-shoes around them so they like me. Watch this.”

He walks up to a cop car and knocks on the door. The man inside rolls the window down, laughs, and greets Toni warmly. “Ah, Antonio! What is it, son?”

Toni flashes a weak smile. “Hola, Señor. Can we perchance hitch a ride to Barcelona?”

“Hop on in! One way?”

“Yeah, just the one.”

Toni opens the door and we slide in the back. The man doesn’t protest as Toni slides the child lock off before shutting the door.

“Sightseeing?” he asks as he pulls away from the curb.

Toni flashes a cute smile. “Yeah. It’s the art hub around here. I’ve heard a lot of great things about the city but I’ve never been.”

He’s a good actor. The cop can’t possibly know about his family.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” he agrees with a laugh. “I’ve seen some pretty cool stuff there.”

I set the bag down on the floor at our feet. Toni wraps an arm around me. “This is my friend.”

“Hola, Señor,” the cop greets me.

“Ciao, signore.”

Toni looks to me. “By the way…L?”

“Lovino.”

He nods. “V?”

“Vargas.”

“Ah. Cool.”

He’s quiet a minute. “You’re from…”

“Italy. I was born in Monopoli but I live with my family in Rome.”

“Isn’t Rome—”

“Hayden’s headquarters? Exactly.”

He blinks. “Oh. Oof.”

I laugh a little. “Oof?”

“Uh, yeah. Sorry, is that weird? I typically say that in place of ‘ _ that sucks _ ’.”

I shrug it off. “No, it’s just funny.”

I shift over and lean a little into him. I don’t usually do this in-game when anyone could be watching, but since we’re in the real world and it’s just us and a cop who’s currently watching the road very carefully with readiness to swerve around hazards I’ll make the exception to let him do this. I’m generally not against hugs or cuddles or affection, it’s just that I don’t like my actions being heavily monitored and judged while I’m in those situations.

Toni draws me against him and leans his head on mine. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, mostly. I’m not being monitored at the moment and I’ve been injured worse.”

He rolls his eyes. “That’s not great criteria, but whatever.”

“Maybe ‘ _ whatever _ ’ can be your ‘ _ always _ ’,” the cop teasingly suggests.

Toni laughs. “That’s hilarious.”

“You do seem to say that a lot,” I point out.

Toni grins. “Is that a problem?”

“To be determined.”

He laughs hard this time. I curl up against him and close my eyes, and I just listen to him laugh. I like hearing people laugh, especially when I’m the reason they’re happy.  _ Maybe he’s not so bad. _


	7. Matí Always Wanted To Be Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni seeks out his brother Matías.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni being an angsty baby, and Lovi letting Toni take care of him. :)

**_~Toni~_ **

Lovi lets me pick him up and grab the bags.

I thank my cop friend, and he says it’s nothing. He says most people hate him so it’s nice that I don’t, and he turns around and goes back towards home. I call a good luck after him and get a thumbs up in response.

I tighten my grip on the bag, breathe, and head for the hospital Matí always said he wanted to work at. If he made it to Barcelona, he better have made it there. If they rejected him and made him sad they’re gonna get hell from me.

Lovi curls up against me and falls asleep. I wonder how long it’s been since he slept.

I step inside, breathe, and approach the counter. “Um, hola?”

The lady glares down at me from over the top of pink gross spectacles. “Wha’d’you want?”

“Medico Matías Carriedo,” I say.

“He’s busy.”

_ He made it! _ “He’s my brother. Just five minutes?”

“Ugh,” she says, and she picks up the phone and dials an extension. She taps her high-heel impatiently on the floor for a minute. “Hola, Señor Carriedo.”

“Yes, sir, I know,” she sighs. “But this one kid is rather insistent and says he wants five minutes.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. Matí made it where he wanted to go, and they call him sir! He always wanted to be addressed as sir, like a respectable gentleman. He made it!

She’s quiet for a minute. “Yes, sir, kid. What do you—”

She goes a little pale and pulls the receiver back from her ear. “Name.”

He knew me as both Toni and Antonio, but Toni is more familiar and thus he’s more likely to recognize it and react to it quickly. “Toni.”

“Toni,” she repeats into the receiver.

She’s again quiet for a moment, then she loses a lot of color. “Y-yes, sir. Of course, sir.”

_ You never should’ve doubted me, lady. It’s your fault he’s upset. _

She sets the phone down and pulls me into the back, then sits back down grumbling to herself.

A large, warm hand takes my wrist and pulls me into one of the bright white empty rooms. I turn towards the source, and lo and behold there he is. He’s taller, he looks older, but he’s still got those stormy-blue eyes and messy, wavy chestnut hair from before.

I step over to set Lovi down, and I set the bag down next to the bed. Then I step towards him. “You always said you wanted to go here.”

A smile breaks across his face, and he laughs a bit. “I’m surprised it took you so long.”

I take the two steps over, and he scoops me off the floor into one of those inescapable bear hugs. I wrap my arms around him and bury my nose in his shoulder. My body is a little sore from getting thrown, but not as bad as it usually is after a run-in with him because Lovi stood up to him.

He kisses my cheek and sets me down. “What brings you here?”

I gesture to my friend. “Several things, but he’s one of them. His family left him covered in bruises. Also Tío Fernández sort of threw me on the ground and punched me in front of him and he punched him back, and he got kicked. He said a rib broke.”

He’s quiet for a minute. I reach out and take his hand, and I soften my voice. “Also I’m scared to go home. They don’t like me there. Please don’t make me go back.”

He hugs me again, kisses my forehead, and assures me they won’t get near me again, and that “Your friend’s gonna be fine.”

“His name’s Lovi. He’s super insecure and socially anxious.”

“Cool. I’m sure after long enough around you he’ll loosen up.”

He winks and smiles, which is enough to make me smile too. “Yeah, I hope so.”

He wipes the blood from my face, then brings me into the next room over, which is also empty. “Stay here while I take care of your friend. Broken ribs can be pretty serious. I’ll make sure you’re okay once he is.”

“M’kay.”

He runs his fingers affectionately through my hair and leaves the room. I sit down on the bench and sink into the corner.  _ Why can’t they be like him? He’s so perfect and I don’t deserve him. _


	8. Papá Carriedo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni, Matías, and Lovi go to Matías and Toni's dad's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The cars are just because that's what my parents drive and I'm familiar with them. :)
> 
> Lovi being the angsty baby he is.

**_~Lovi~_ **

Matías heals the damage as much as he can and also heals the little bit Fernández managed to do to Toni. At eight p.m., he tells the receptionist he’s going home for the night and he’ll be back in twelve hours or so. She tries to protest, and Toni snaps that Matías has every right to call it a day, and for her to “lay off” of Matías. Matías smiles and looks away, and he doesn’t argue.

Toni takes my hand, takes Matías’ hand, and storms dramatically from the building. This leaves a flustered receptionist in his wake, which the pair find amusing enough to crack up laughing once out of earshot of her and her building.

Toni slows and lets Matías take the lead once we’re out of earshot and sight. Matías leads us to a car at the edge of the lot, a dark blue Kia Niro.

Toni’s eyes widen with amazement, and Matías chuckles. “What?”

“I-I just…that’s a nice car.”

Matías laughs. “Yes, and it’s mine. Get in, sweetheart.”

He clicks a button and the car flashes once and snicks unlocked. I slide in the back and settle down, and since he’s a doctor and I figure he’ll flip his shit if I don’t, I click the buckle into place.

Toni hugs Matías, smiles, and drops into the passenger seat up front. I figured he’d wanna ride shotgun, mostly because that’s his big brother and he very clearly loves him. He loves him a lot.

Matías sits down, drops a suitcase on the floor beside me, and closes his door. He’s smiling softly as he clicks his buckle in place, watches Toni do the same, and starts the car. That love Toni is emanating is clearly returned.

I wish I had this deep of a relationship with anyone in my family, but I always end up pushing them away and eventually they give up trying. Sebastian tried pretty hard, but he drifted away when Hayden took all his money for no good reason. Dad pretty much ended up the same as Sebastian. Feli tried really hard for many years, but in recent years he’s drifted away too.

I always push away the people I care the most for, and I’m pretty sure eventually I’ll manage to push Toni away too.

Toni relaxes into his seat, seeming to trust in his brother’s driving skills. Matías drives smooth but occasionally a bit fast and competitive. He’s able to hold a light conversation with Toni the entire time.

Hell, I wish I had this deep of a relationship with Toni. I mean, yeah, we’re friends I guess. He promised to help me and so far he’s following through on that promise. But I don’t get those small, warm little smiles he’s giving Matías whenever he isn’t looking. I don’t get those laughs that shiver heat down my spine. He doesn’t let loose like this around me. I’ve never had a truly deep, trusting relationship with anyone because Hayden fucked me up too much—literally and figuratively.

Finally Matías pulls into a driveway next to a white twenty-fourteen Kia Sorento. He puts his car in park, steps down on the parking brake, and shuts the car off. Toni and Matías both get out of the car laughing, and Toni gives his brother another of those only-when-you-can’t-see-me smiles.

I unbuckle and get up, and I gently close the door. Toni kept saying in-game that people always underestimate me, and I’m hoping that maybe he’s right. If he’s right, then I’m not broken or worthless or a waste of space or a failure. If he’s right, maybe I stand a chance. If he’s right, maybe I  _ can _ find a way to not push him away. Maybe.

Toni takes my hand and draws me to him, and he follows his brother into the house still talking. Matías absorbs everything with that quiet smile, and he remarks that he’s really not surprised at how quickly Toni made friends in the Utopia.

Matías closes the door, and in a lull in Toni’s blabbering he calls, “Dad, I’m home!”

“You’re home early,” comes the reply from the kitchen.

Toni stiffens. I take the bag from him, and Matías brings me up the hall so I can drop it in the spare room.

“You’re quiet,” Matías tells me.

I shrug. “So?”

He shrugs at me and says curiously, “I don’t know, you don’t seem the quiet type.”

“I don’t know what gave you that impression. I’m usually quiet.”

“Doesn’t seem like a natural silence,” he insists. “You seem like you’d talk more if Toni wasn’t dominating the conversation.”

“Eh, I’m just having a bad week. Also I don’t make friends easy and I easily push people away, so I’m generally more of a listener than a talker. You can learn a lot by watching people interact with other people or watching what they do when they think they’re alone.”

He ruffles my hair. “You can’t push Toni away. He recognizes a difference between ‘ _ go away you fucking prick _ ’ and ‘ _ go away because I’m hurting and don’t want to deal with people _ ’. You’re not pushing people away because you don’t like them, but more because you’ve been hurt and you’re afraid of getting hurt again. Toni will recognize that and won’t go anywhere.”

I shove at him half-heartedly. “Fuck off.”

“You say that now, but Toni has a way of growing on people.”

“Whatever.”

We return to Toni. Toni is still frozen in place.

Matías clears his throat. “Dad?”

“¿Sí?”

“¿Ven aquí, por favor?”

There’s a sigh, a clatter of some kind of silverware, and a tall man with black hair styled like Toni’s and blue eyes like Matías emerges from the kitchen. He has Toni’s general build, but more muscular since he’s a police officer.

Matías clears his throat. “Um, I stumbled across someone important at work today.”

He pulls Toni forward a step. “They’ve been hurting him.”

The man’s eyes shift from Matías to Toni, and after a second he breathes in recognition and steps forward. “Antonio.”

Toni tilts his head like a puppy who heard a whistle. The man crosses the room to capture his son in strong arms, and Toni snuggles against him and hides his eyes in his shoulder. It’s really quiet, but I can hear Toni mumble “Papá” in response.

He massages Toni’s back a little and lets go. “¿Qué pasa?”

Toni doesn’t answer with words. He makes a general sound of frustration and pain.

“I don’t speak teenage grumble or zombie moans,” the man says with a raised eyebrow.

Toni sighs. “Bad.”

“Bad how? Use your words.”

Toni grumbles a bit. “Estoy muy cansado y acabamos de regresar del hospital no solo porque Matías está allí, sino también porque nos lastimamos. El tío Fernández está realmente enojado conmigo porque lastimó a mi amigo, así que le di un puñetazo, y si le dice al abuelo Antonio que estoy muerto. Y todo lo que mamá hará es decirme que soy un error inútil y dejarla en paz. Ella no es de ayuda. ¿Comprendo?”

He blinks a few times. Matías shifts and looks away. I get the general idea based on Toni’s tone and the fact that he sounds upset that it’s bad, but I don’t speak Spanish.

Matías clears his throat. “He said something similar to me.”

Toni steps forward and grabs his dad’s sleeve. “Please don’t make me go back. I’ll die. Por favor, déjame quedarme contigo. Te amo.”

Toni’s dad sighs, steps forward, and hugs him. “I never said you have to go back.”

Toni hides his face in his dad’s jacket and starts shake-crying. His shoulders are up by his ears and bouncing up and down, but his cries are quiet. He’s not a scream-crier, just a quiet and trembling one.

I take a step away and aim my eyes at my dusty, tattered shoes. He really  _ is  _ human, now that he’s taken out of the game context where he always seems joyful and confident. That’s just a façade to make people like him, because he’s just as lonely as I am.

Matías steps to my side and wraps a protective arm around me. “Hey, it’s okay.”

I fidget a little, but I don’t pull away this time. He’s stronger than me like everybody else.

Toni calms within minutes. He falls apart hard all at once, whereas I tend to lock it up until I get too overwhelmed and explode—and most of those explosions push away people I really do like.

Matías clears his throat and gets Toni’s attention once he’s calmer. “Hey, uh, hermanito, your friend’s kinda—”

He doesn’t even finish what he was saying. Toni turns around and scoops me from his brother’s arms. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe here.”

“Who’s that?” Toni’s dad asks.

Toni holds up the “give me a minute” finger. Matías shrugs. “A friend, from what I understand.”

Toni does that magic little move where he draws Celtic peace weaves on my back, and my muscles cave into him. He kisses my cheek, hugs me tighter for a second, then lets go and steps back. “You okay?”

I shrug. “I’m just generally on edge anywhere whenever I’m not with my brothers.”

He massages my arm a little reassuringly. “You have nothing to worry about.”

His dad clears his throat. “Son. Who is that?”

Toni turns around, blushes, and smiles. He pulls me forward a step, towards his dad. “This is my friend Lovi. He’s from Italy; I met him in the Utopia originally but when someone tracked him in real life to hurt him for real, he came and found me to ask for help. He’s not just a stupid kid being a poor sport, either: we’re talking Hayden Fisher wants him dead.”

“The multimillionaire corporate asshole?” Matías clarifies.

“Yeah, him. Lovi kinda smashed his avatar since he isn’t strong enough or rich enough to take him on in real life because he hurt him and his family bad, but now Hayden decided to actually come after him for it and sent death threats.”

Toni takes my hand protectively. “He spared my avatar several times, and he punched Uncle Fernández when he went to hurt me again. He’s a good person. He’s socially anxious and super insecure, but he’s a good person. He’s just an abused kid looking to have some control in his own life.”

“In Hayden’s perfect world,” I say quietly, “he literally owns me. His end goal is to make that world a reality. I don’t want that to be a reality.”

Toni’s dad crosses the space, lays a gentle hand on my cheek, and tips my head over. Toni goes to ask what he’s doing, just before he brushes my collar back off of it.

“Eight?” Toni blinks.

“The Jews got numbers burnt into them during World War Two,” his dad says. “It’s how the Germans grilled in that they were numbers and not people.”

“What’s so significant about eight?”

“Why eight?” Matías agrees. “There has to be a reason it’s not some serial number, just an eight.”

Toni pulls me around to face him. “Lovi. Why eight?”

I sigh and drop my eyes from his. “Because that was the first time he hurt me, and the first chance he had to put that there.”

“What?”

“Eight years old,” Matías realizes.

I nod. Toni stiffens. “He hurt you when you were  _ eight _ ?”

“You think this is the first time he’s ever threatened to kill me? God, no. It’s just the first time I had anywhere to turn. He’s done this same thing a million times—pretty much every day since.”

I shake him off. “Like I said, his utopia is a place where he literally owns me. And I mean that in the worst way possible.”

“Sexually, physically owned,” his dad clarifies quietly.

“I can’t say that word but yes.”

Toni makes a sound of protest and hugs me. “He’s been hurting you for seven years?”

“Yeah, so? You get used to it after awhile.”

Matías clears his throat, Toni’s dad mutters something, and Toni whines like a kicked puppy.

Toni tightens his grip, then releases me and breathes. “He’s never going to hurt you again.”

His voice is firm, and this time his voice is shaky with anger rather than fear. I believe him.

I breathe out slow. “At least be careful. He’s not someone you can easily take down.”

“I know. I don’t care. I’ll find a way.”

“Andrés is a lawyer,” Matías suggests. “I mean, I know we’re not on great terms but he has enough power and money to go after him for emotional damages at least.”

“And what he stole,” Toni adds. “He took money from his parents and his brother so he couldn’t get away from abusive family.”

“That, too,” Matías agrees.

“Sebastian’s a lawyer,” I point out.

“We could actually use help from both,” Toni says. “The more voices, the better. Plus every lawyer has their strengths and weaknesses.”

“And they may be able to balance one another,” Matías agrees. “That’s a good idea. Does he know about any of this?”

“He knows about the death threats, but no, he doesn’t know about the rest of it. I figured I’d only tell if I had to because of the emotional damage it’s going to do to him.”

Matías sighs. “Well, at this point we’re gonna have to.”

I shrug. “I’m not arguing that point.”

They start to collaborate to make plans. Matías says he’ll go to the small town since Toni is afraid of it, and Toni insists he doesn’t want him to get hurt. Matías assures him he’ll be careful, and Toni’s dad assures him he’ll blow up Matías’ phone to make sure he’s okay. Toni laughs at this suggestion and calls it ridiculous, and Matías also laughs.

This lax family dynamic is strange to me, but also something that looks nice to be a part of. I just never got the chance to be a part of a functional family, I guess…


	9. How To Win Andrés Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matías needs to win over Andrés if he's going to convince him to help...and he has a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spanish question marks and exclamation points are on purpose. They help me keep track and read it right, and also Matías is Spanish and Spanish is his native language, so when he's this tired he automatically puts those there in his mind without thinking about it. This is how he would transcribe the situation. Also there are no translations because he's a native speaker so he wouldn't write them.

**_~Matías~_ **

I haven’t been sleeping well. I haven’t slept in three days due to flashbacks, and in the past few weeks I’ve been going five to one in the morning shifts, almost twenty-four hours, with a lunch break (thirty minutes) at one p.m.…and he’s likely to fall all over helping us if I’m vulnerable.

You see, Andrés may be tough, but he isn’t tough enough to resist someone in need. We aren’t on great terms (we’re hardly speaking at all), so the easiest way to get him to help me is to play it worse than it is. I won’t have to try hard since I really am exhausted.

His work is easy to enter, and it’s dead since it’s just after opening. His secretary is thrilled to hear someone asking after Andrés; she says they never get in-person drop-ins since they’re located in a small town, and she brings me down a hall up to his door. I tell her I don’t need long, just a few minutes.

“Mister Carriedo, sir,” she calls through the door.

“¿What do you want, Annabella? I’m busy.”

“¿Annabella?” I ask.

She blushes and shrugs. “Um, yeah, I’m Annabella.”

“That’s a cool name you don’t often hear nowadays. I’m Matías.”

She smiles shyly, then answers Andrés’ snark with “Someone’s here to see you! He says he doesn’t need long.”

“Ugh, fine,” Andrés grumbles. “Send him in.”

She opens the door and lightly pushes me inside. She closes the door quickly behind me as if Andrés will try to throw me out.

I let my feet get a little tangled, enough to trip and drop on the ground. I sigh a little and curl up on my side, but after a weak attempt to get up I just collapse on the ground. “Ow.”

Andrés is typing. For a couple minutes he doesn’t even say anything, then he clicks what I guess to be a save button and snaps his laptop shut. Afterwards he gets up and circles the table out of curiosity.

“¿Aren’t you gonna get up?” he asks.

“Nope. I’m good staying down here.”

“¿Matías?” he asks as if surprised.

“Hola, hermanito. We need your help.”

“ _ You _ need help,” he corrects me.

“Eh, I’ll be fine. I’m a doctor, I know what I’m doing. Until Toni and his friend are okay I’m not gonna do anything about it.”

He crosses his arms over his chest like a disappointed mother. Already, just letting some of that vulnerable exhaustion slip through the barrier I usually have is starting to work.

I roll a little and fall on my back so I can see him. He looks generally okay, maybe a little stressed. “Hi. I’m tired but I’ll live. See, you—”

He puts his foot over my mouth and almost steps on me. “Stop.”

I blink a few times, then scoot away from his foot. “¿Dré, what are you—?”

“Stop saying you’re fine. You’re not.”

I make a point out of sitting up, but I sway a little and drop. “I’m fine.”pp

He nudges me with his foot. “No, you’re not. She shouldn’t be able to knock you over; she’s gentle, and no one else dropped like that.”

I roll away and stumble up to my feet, and I lean on the wall. “I’m okay. I just—”

“¿Haven’t slept?”

“It’s only been three days. I slept the night before, and—”

“¿How much?” he stops me. 

“¿What?”

“¿How much did you sleep?”

I blink. “That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does, you moron. ¿How much?”

“Like, an hour. I’m fine. Toni needs help. Uncle Fernández hurt him.”

He sighs. “He’s not the only one. I haven’t gone home in weeks. That’s besides the point; you need to sleep.”

“¿Oh, so  _ now _ you care that I’m not sleeping?” I snap instinctively. “¿You didn’t care when it was because I was getting hurt, but when I’m saving people’s lives and can’t sleep because of flashbacks to that shit,  _ now  _ it suddenly matters?”

Andrés sighs. “I thought it was normal because I was going through the same shit, but now that I’ve gotten some distance I realized it’s not okay. It’s not about you.”

“Sure it isn’t.”

I shove off the wall and walk up to him carefully so I don’t trip, and I blink away some of the blur. “Look, Dré, Toni needs help. His friend has been getting hurt and we need a lawyer. We’re talking about having his brother help, but the more voices the better. ¿Yeah? I’m not gonna do anything until he’s okay.”

He pokes me, and I sway a little. “Don’t do that.”

Andrés sighs and lays a hand on my arm. “Tell you what. If you promise to sleep as  _ soon _ as you get home, I’ll help.”

“Mmm…fine.”

“¿Did you drive?”

“Sí, from Barcelona. Papá is with Toni and his friend.”

“You aren’t driving back. You’re swaying. Give me the keys.”

“But it’s my car.”

“Matí. Keys. Now.”

“You’re not my dad. You can’t make me.”

He laughs a little. “No I’m not Dad, but I  _ am _ your brother and I’m worried about you.”

“I’m older than you.”

“That doesn’t matter. Give me the keys. I’ll drive.”

We banter back and forth for awhile. But finally he packs his stuff, drags me to the car, and holds out his hand. “Keys.”

I sigh and hand him the key. He pockets it and shoves me into the passenger seat, drops his stuff, and gets in. “Barcelona?”

“I said a million times I’d go there if I ever got the chance. I don’t know why you guys didn’t notice.”

He closes the door. “Maybe because we were distracted by you and Dad both disappearing. We needed Dad too, you selfish prick.”

I sigh and look out the window. “Dad tried to get custody so we could bring you guys. I was over eighteen, and you weren’t. Mom won, so she got full custody. We took it to court and everything. Mom called a number of abuses on Dad with false evidence, and of course Tío Fernández and Abuelo Antonio backed her up. We didn’t tell you because we figured it would make you guys feel worse. We also figured Mom would be a bitch if you confronted her about it.”

Andrés stiffens and turns to stare at me. I fidget and drop my eyes to my lap. “I figured you guys would hate me if I tried to talk to you, so I didn’t.”

“Matí,” he says, and his voice is softer now, “we just wanted to hear that you guys were okay and within reach! Toni especially, he needed you. I think he still does; he’s the one who seeked you out. He did that for a reason, and it wasn’t just because of his friend.”

I shuffle my feet a little and look out the window. Andrés steps on the brake, hits the button to turn on the car, and puts the car in reverse.

By the time we reach Barcelona, the silence is starting to get uncomfortable. I breathe slow and side-glance at him: Andrés is actually crying. It’s quiet enough I didn’t hear it, but his shoulders are up by his ears and shaking up and down and his face is red and puffy with explosive emotion.

I reach out a hand and hover it near his in offering. I won’t take his hand if he doesn’t want me to.

It takes him a minute to realize I’ve moved. He shifts and rubs at his eyes with his sleeve, then accepts my hand. His grip is tight enough to pinch, but I’d be upset finding this out too so I just look away and don’t protest at the slight pain. It’s keeping me awake, anyway.

Andrés slows down as we move into the city. “Where are you guys—”

“Right.”

“What?”

“Take a right there.”

I point. He gets over and turns.

“Left up there, then three down.”

He follows my instructions up to the house. Dad is outside greeting an albino with a shy smile and a muscular blonde with blue eyes, and Toni is in the doorway. Lovino is a step behind him peeking meekly over his shoulder.

After a second’s hesitation, Andrés pulls into the drive next to him. He puts the car in park, shuts the car off, steps the parking brake down, and releases the brake pedal. But he doesn’t get up.

After a minute he breathes and speaks again. “I just wish you would’ve told us.”

“And maybe we should’ve, but Dad wouldn’t let me.”

He digs in his pocket and tugs out a phone. “Number.”

“What?”

“Your number, you idiot, give me your number.”

“Oh.” I pull out my phone, unlock it, and pass it to him. He takes my number down, then puts his number in my phone and gives it back. I drop it back in my jacket pocket.

We get up and close the doors, and Andrés moves around the car and actually hugs me. “You’re an asshole.”

I bury my eyes in his shoulder and hug him back. “We missed you.”

For a minute, neither of us move. It’s Toni releasing his friend’s hand and running down the drive that pulls us apart, and I step back from Andrés to open his opportunity.

Before Andrés has the chance to react, Toni leaps up into his arms and wraps both his arms and his legs tightly around him. “Andrés.”

Andrés is startled back a step into the car, but after a moment’s surprise he recognizes our brother’s affection for what it is and wraps his arms as tightly around Toni as they’ll go. “Antonio.”

Toni drops after a minute and steps back to give him a once-over, ‘ _ are you okay _ ’ sweeping pass. “You’ve been crying.”

“¿Did he tell you why he left us behind?”

“¿…No?”

I breathe out slow. Toni is going to explode, that’s why I didn’t say anything. I told Andrés to get him to stop calling me a selfish prick, not because I thought he could handle it better.

I clear my throat. “Andrés.”

“¿What?”

“I told you so you’d stop being an ass about it. Toni only cares that he found us; you don’t need to make it worse.”

“¿Being an ass?” Toni blinks.

“He called me a selfish prick.”

“¡Andrés!” Toni protests. “¡That’s mean!”

Andrés just grumbles to himself. I step back to lean on the car. Andrés steps over to lower his voice. “He deserves to know the truth.”

“He’s also gonna flip his shit. You may have been upset but you didn’t start screaming about it. He probably will.”

Toni looks back and forth between us a few times. “¿Is it that bad?”

I clear my throat and raise my voice for him to hear. “It’s bad enough he started crying.”

Toni’s eyes widen. “¿What? ¿Seriously?”

He looks to Andrés. “¿Is that why?”

Andrés nods and takes a step forward. “Mom called abuse on Dad.”

“¡Andrés!” I protest.

Toni’s eyes widen. “¿What?”

I sigh and look away. “Fine. If you’re gonna be a prick anyway—”

I breathe and take a couple steps towards him. “We tried to get custody of you guys and bring you with us when we left. We took it to court, and Mom called a number of abuses on Dad and got Tío Fernández and Abuelo Antonio to back her up, so she got full custody of you three. We didn’t want to leave you behind, but we had no choice. We took our chances and we ran. I wanted to tell you so you didn’t think we were just being jackasses—or, as Andrés put it, selfish pricks—but Dad said it would make it hurt worse and that if confronted about it Mom would flip her shit and hurt you. So we didn’t.”

“I mean, she kinda did anyway,” Toni shrugs. “But she wasn’t the worst of them.”

I blink a few times. Toni clears his throat. “I mean, they were. She wasn’t.”

“What’d’she do?”

“Um, for starters, she told us we were worthless mistakes and to get lost,” Toni takes a stiff step forward. “She also told me that you and Dad never loved us, which was a huge blow. I think she was just trying to get us to stop looking for you.”

I shiver. “You know that’s not true. She might believe it but she isn’t in our heads.”

“I know. It still hurt to hear it because she was voicing our worst fears aloud.”

“¡Toni!” I protest weakly.

He steps up and grabs a handful of my sleeve. “That’s part of why I’m here. I wanted to hear from you guys that it wasn’t true, because after enough years I sort of started to believe it.”

I close the distance and draw him close. “She’s wrong. I hated having to leave you behind like that. Distance doesn’t stop anything; I mean, they always say distance makes the heart fonder while closeness breeds contempt.

“If anything changed I missed you guys like crazy and appreciated what we had more. ¡It’s impossible to not love you, you’re smart and sweet and c’mon, let’s be honest, you’re drop-dead gorgeous! I’m allowed to say that and not have it be too weird because you’re my brother and I love you. She couldn’t be more wrong.”

Toni snuggles against me and closes his eyes. “Te amo con todo de mi corazón.”

“Igualmente, hermanito. Don’t ever doubt that.”

Toni flashes a smile and runs back to his friend. I gesture that direction. “The curl-boy is Lovino Vargas. He’s the friend I was telling you about. I haven’t met the other two. I’m guessing one of them is their other friend Gil.”

Andrés nods. I take a step and turn towards him. “Same goes for you, y’know. You’re a fucking prick sometimes but I love you. I know I’m not the greatest person in the world—and I ditched you and I shouldn’t have—but I’m still sensitive enough that when you’re a dick it hurts. I never stopped loving you, I just figured you wouldn’t want me to come back because if it were me and I’d been left out of the loop like that I’d be furious.”

Andrés relaxes a little. “I’m not mad at you. I just wish that after we turned eighteen you would’ve come back for us.”

“¿And left Toni completely alone? He would’ve  _ really _ thought I hated him then. I left you after because I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me and because I knew Toni was going to need someone there for him when I couldn’t be.”

“Yeah, good job trying. I’m pretty sure Jesús made him worse.”

“Well I didn’t get along great with him either and I figured he’d fucking hate me after that. Toni’s the one I knew would suffer the most, and he  _ still _ isn’t eighteen. He won’t be for a year. But fuck it, we’re gonna do it again. I don’t care. I’ll fight her myself if I have to. Toni isn’t going back. He literally fell apart begging Dad to let him stay here, with us.”

“No, we aren’t going back,” Andrés agrees.

He takes my hand and drags me over to Dad. “Papá.”

Dad turns around, then he lights up and steps forward to throw his arms around Andrés. “¡Andrés! I’ve missed you.”

“I missed you too, Dad.”

_ Please let this work out better this time, let Andrés and Toni get along…let it all work out. _


	10. The Real L

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gil observes the real L.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some real description of Lovi. :) But he's an angsty injured baby...

**_~Gil~_ **

He’s skinny, pale, flighty, and bruised to all hell.

He’s a little shorter than me with ear-length dark red wavy hair, and one curl on his right sticking several inches from his head.

His eyes are moss-green and deeply haunted.

He’s Italian.

This is the real L.

His name is Lovino Romano Vargas, and Veneziano (apparently Feliciano Italia Vargas) is his little brother, and Archangelo (apparently Sebastian Archangelo Vargas) is his older brother.

He’s abused, and Hayden’s been hurting him since he was eight.

Hayden scorched a number eight into Lovi’s neck.

This is the real L.

He’s a broken child who wants some semblance of control in his life.

He’s a shattered soul trying to hold himself together for the ones he loves.

He’s a socially anxious, flighty baby who just wants someone to tell him he isn’t worthless.

He wants to hear that he matters in this world.

This is the real L: a socially anxious, abused child trying to hold himself together for the ones he loves and regain some semblance of control in his life.

This is the real L.


	11. The Real Gil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lovi meets the real Gil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The depressive stuff is why Lovi is the way he is, so...necessary evil?

**_~Lovi~_ **

Gil is albino like he portrayed himself, but less body-builder more muscular teen. His eyes are red rather than violet. He’s taller than me and stronger than me.

Gil is a lot softer-voiced than he portrayed himself. He acted loud and outgoing and strong, but the reality is he’s soft-spoken and empathetic and deeply caring. He’s strong, but he isn’t obnoxious.

Gil is talking to Toni. He expresses some interest in the green of Toni’s eyes and says his eyes “look cool,” and Toni smiles and mutters something as if in return, but too quiet to be heard.

Gil ruffles Toni’s hair and says he’s never met any of his friends from the Utopia in real life. Toni agrees that he didn’t either until I decided to seek him out.

Gil steps up and hugs me, and he says quietly in that strangely soothing voice that I look nervous, and that I “have nothing to be afraid of.” I kind of let him, but I make no moves to hug him back.

“There’s a lot to be afraid of,” Toni echoes my thoughts, “but that doesn’t mean we’re going to let anything bad happen to you.”

Gil releases me and flashes a weak smile. “You’re cuter in person.”

I actually laugh a little. “Yeah, sure.”

Toni grins. “I completely agree. You’re adorable.”

“Fuck off,” I grumble.

“No thanks,” Toni says in a light teasing voice. “I’d rather fuck  _ on _ than off.”

I choke, cough once, and give him a look. Both of them laugh.

I sigh and roll my eyes. “Asshole.”

Toni wraps an arm around me and squeezes, massaging my arm affectionately. Gil watches closely, simply because I don’t even try to shove him off. I just let him, and I lean a little bit into his side.

“What’s the difference,” Gil asks, “that lets you lean into him but tense up when it’s me?”

I blink a bit, then shrug. “I tense up with anyone, honestly. I’m just a generally jumpy person.”

“Then why can Toni get away with it?”

“I don’t know, and I don’t feel like actually trying to find out.”

Gil blinks at me as if he’s a deer in headlights. “Uh...you don’t understand your own feelings?”

I shift a little. “Yeah, so? Every time I try, I either get hurt or wanna die. There isn’t anything good to be discovered if I introspect.”

Toni stiffens a little. “Back that up one sentence.”

“What?”

“‘ _ Wanna die _ ’?” Toni repeats questioningly.

I shrug. “My life is hell and I’m suicidal. Why are you surprised?”

“Oh. Uh…”

“You don’t act like it,” Gil takes the leap for him. “You seem mostly okay, especially in-game. Typically if someone’s that bad off it shows in their eyes, in their body language, and in their personality. You’re…I don’t know. You’re different.”

“If Feli found out he’d be devastated—because he cares about me—so yes I’ve gotten good at seeming okay. That doesn’t mean I am. Sometimes the people who are hurting the most are silent shadows, and the people who beg for attention like ‘ _ oh look at me I’m so hurt _ ’ aren’t as bad off. It’s not always the case, but oftentimes the people who are hurting talk and the people who desperately need help choke their own voice into oblivion because talking makes things more real and makes them tangible.”

“It also makes them fixable,” Toni points out with an abnormally strained voice. “If they’re brought up they can be addressed, they can be worked with, they can be helped. You can’t completely undo the damage people are capable of doing to other people, but you can at least make it easier to breathe and cope.”

“Yeah, people tell me that. What good has that done? The people I tried to tell laughed in my face and told me to get over myself. What good has talking done? We live in a society more likely to ignore real cries for help in a swarm of those ‘crying wolf’, we live in a world capable of turning away those who really do need help.

“So yes, I’m different, and no I don’t talk…because talking does me no good, and the only thing it would bring my brothers is grief because they would want to know why am I the way I am, because that inevitable why hangs over my head and I don’t know the answer because I’m scared to introspect for fear of what I’ll find. I don’t know. That same why hangs over my head, and I don’t know. So please stop asking questions, I don’t know why, and I’m scared to find out…”

“That’s kinda poetic,” Toni says quietly.

“That’s really depressing,” Gil adds.

“That, too,” Toni says. “But more often than not poems are written to bring attention to things that people look over or forget to think about, like the idea of focusing on those crying wolf and not listening to the ones who do need help.”

“Yeah,” Gil agrees with Toni. “You should totally make something out of that, draw attention to it.”

They return to their conversation. I just sigh and look away. Toni is sweet, but both of them are rather oblivious to cries for help. At least the recognize that people crying wolf isn’t a good reason to ignore it, but…


End file.
